'I Am Selective, Not Arrogant,' Says Shobhaa De As She Launches Her Latest Book, The Sensual Self, At Mumbai LitFest

I have always found Shobhaa De quite different from her public image. Most think she is haughty and unapproachable, with an unbearably high opinion of herself. And I think she is almost an introvert or ‘reticent’ as she prefers to call herself. People think she is frivolous because she wrote openly about sex and other taboo topics when it was considered to be a sacrilege to talk about them, forget writing a series of novels. Her being vociferous about everything under the Sun has been taken as her arrogance to think ‘she knows everything’. I find her affectionate.

The best part — she has never cared about what anyone thinks! To her, only what her immediate family thinks matters. “They are my censor board — my husband and my children. If I were to preoccupy myself with what the rest of the world thinks about me, it would be draining me of energy and would serve no purpose whatsoever.”

Did it, really, never bothered her — trolls, critics? “Never!” comes a prompt one.

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“I am selective, not arrogant. Why should I bother about people who don’t matter to me? I live life on my own terms. I decide who can enter my circle… who to call home… It’s my decision who can have access to me. And that, probably, is the reason why people think I am unapproachable. And I am absolutely okay with it.”

Not many know that De has read Sanskrit authors like Kalidasa, a few Upanishads, or that she loves listening to Indian classical music. I have seen her keep a poker face when people discuss scriptures in her presence, thinking she has not read them. “It's OK. I am not reading anything to impress the world. I am reading it for my own enrichment. I don't have to show off knowledge. I don't have to show my intellectual prowess by quoting from here and there. Only insecure people do that. I don't need to,” she says.

“Knowledge is such a precious, invaluable gift. Why would you want to flaunt it? In any case, I think flaunting anything is vulgar. Whether it is knowledge or wealth, both are equal sins in my book, and they turn me off completely. Anyone who is a show-off or conceited is a big turn-off,” she adds.

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Her latest book, The Sensual Self, which is being released today at the Mumbai Lit Fest, has quotes from philosophers and authors across the world.

De’s books have been ‘ahead of time’ kind of books, especially for an Indian author. Erotica by an Indian author in English was unheard of. Her language was unsullied. “It was not erotica, but yes, I did talk about sex and other taboo topics in a straightforward way.”

Today, she handles the same topic differently, giving examples from her personal life. It’s more emotional. “It was meant to be that way,” De affirms. “It is not a titillating book. It is a serious subject. I take sensuality and intimacy seriously. I do not think enough is spoken about the subject in a very hypocritical society of ours. But we are not the only ones in the world who are uncomfortable with these topics. I think across the world there are far too many double standards, far too many taboos, far too many rules about what is acceptable and what is not. So, this can be treated, maybe, like a manual on some level, to guide a younger generation completely out of touch with our own sensuous past… India, our sensuous history.”

And that’s so true. De touches topics like the importance of a ‘proper kiss’, the clit, little things that can be arousing, and, of course, the immensity of true romance and love. She has shared her heartbreaks in a chapter. What surprises me is to read about a 16-year-old neighbour leaving a 14-year-old Shobhaa with a romantic gift, she says, ‘Did he find love again? I hope not!’ (sic) Where does that come from? “Female vanity!”

De answers truthfully, with her signature throaty laugh.

But one of the heartbreaks was in another country, faraway, and when she was alone. Yet, she talks about it in a practical way and not like a heart-broken youngster. “The feeling of desolation was also essential. I did not go into denial. I did not pretend it was not affecting me. Of course, it affected me. Maybe it still does. It still haunts me, but it does not make me hard-hearted; it makes me practical. I was not going to sit there and watch, starve myself, or feel martyred or victimised. None of it. It was a decision taken by me at my own emotional expense. So, I had no one else to hold responsible for that heartbreak but me. Big

difference. I was not facing rejection; I was inflicting rejection on another. The pain came from that,” De admits.

What intrigues me is the way she, in a most unashamed way, writes in the book about observing her mother and the changes in her behaviour after she had done ‘it’. Weren’t you too young for all that? “No, there is no age for thinking about sex. I think children are sexually very aware. At least I can speak for myself. I think I was sexually conscious or aware from the age of six or seven. Acutely aware of not only my own, but people around me,” De says.

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“I did not speak to anyone about it or confronted my mother or asked her… I just noticed the subtle changes. The way her saree was just a little all over the place when she stepped out of the bedroom, not the usual perfectly pleated. She looked radiant, she looked happy. She also looked a little embarrassed, and these were little signs. But I have always been extremely observant as a child, and it never made me uncomfortable,” she elucidates.

“Also, it does not make a child a wicked child; one who notices or is curious about the parents and whether they are having an intimate relationship. We do not have to label that child as someone who has a dirty mind,” De asserts.

Almost in the same breath that she talks about her parents, she talks about wondering about her children’s sex lives. How have they reacted to it?

“I don’t know if they have read it yet… but my daughter-in-law, Natasha, has read it and has loved the book, and she is completely okay with whatever I may have said. Those are the only references to them because they are the people who are nearest to me to observe as newlyweds.”

The book has various references to her private moments with her husband… “He's like the star of the book... The driver of the book. The compass of the book... which happened without design. So, he's

feeling like a superhero. It was never intended to be like that.”

What was the intention then? “There's no intention. It's how I write. I write what I feel. There is all emotion... which is in this book, particularly... very unfiltered, very unselfconscious. I am not disguising any aspect of my vulnerability, not playing superwoman, nothing. So, if he does emerge as that and it makes him feel great, well, I am happy for him.”

De believes that the small moments of romance, love that culminate in sex, are slowly disappearing. “Everything is for social media. Peer pressure is too much…”

She believes that sensuality and intimacy have a lot more to do with emotions than just the body. “I mean, if it's not a meeting of the mind, not a meeting of the hearts, it's all sounds like a cliche and like romantic lyrics of some song. If it's just two bodies meeting, I mean, even animals mate, right? So this is not a mating game. You have to invest much more of of yourself and do so with honesty. If there's no emotional engagement, at least personally speaking, then there can be no physical engagement either. Zero. If you don't respect each other's minds… how will you respect each other’s bodies?”

She advises the younger generation to pick up a leaf from their grandparents’ book to recreate the bond and mystery of romance. According to her, the bonds will be stronger and more pleasurable.

On a parting note, De admits to what she has already written in the new book — she is extremely possessive about her husband. “Both of us are possessive about each other. For us, our bodies are sensuous and sacred,” she says.